You need to work up a Story that will appeal to the mouthbreathers who can't understand that not only do we not know what Christ looked like, but most of the portraits of Him have been made by artists who reflect their own societial norms.
In other words, those pictures are as imaginary and fictional as pretending that random marks on a discarded piece of metal found in the dirt has some spiritual significance.
So you should work on a couple of miracles first. Perhaps your yard is the only one on your block to be free of mosquitoes? Perhaps holding the window weight helped your aunt lose the five pounds she had been trying to shed for the past month. Perhaps when you found it a light shone down on you and you fainted from heatstroke. (You don't have to mention that it was noon, 35 degrees and you had just dug up a tree stump all on your own. Imagination works better with fewer facts!)
A Certificate of Authenticity would be useful too. You can buy nice 'certificate' paper at Staples. The vellum look is helpful. It doesn't really matter what it says, but spelling and grammar should be correct. On second thought, 'mouthbreathers'; maybe good spelling isn't very important.
Sell the sizzle-- because there just ain't no steak.
PS: Don't forget to add a blessing in the listing for all those who read it and ask them to pass it along to all their friends.
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