His & Her ATM Trip
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Pull away
HER:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate ATM card
6. Turn radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance from car to ATM.
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with
PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel, look at ATM for one minute and then press "enter"
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of checkbook
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two yards
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate cardholder and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three miles
26. Release parking brake
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Pull away
HER:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate ATM card
6. Turn radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance from car to ATM.
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with
PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel, look at ATM for one minute and then press "enter"
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of checkbook
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two yards
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate cardholder and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three miles
26. Release parking brake
HOW TO CHANGE OIL
Oil Changing Instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: $20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
-----
Total = $21.00
Oil Changing Instructions for Men:
1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
6) Place drain pan under engine.
7) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
8) Give up and use crescent wrench.
9) Unscrew drain plug.
10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
11) Clean up mess.
12) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
13) Look for oil filter wrench.
14) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
15) Beer.
16) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
17) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
18) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 14.
19) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
20) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
21) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
22) Remember drain plug from step 9.
23) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
24) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
25) Drink beer.
26) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
27) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
28) Drink beer.
29) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
30) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 29.
31) Begin cussing fit.
32) Throw wrench.
33) Beer.
34) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
35) Beer.
36) Beer.
37) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
38) Beer.
39) Lower car from jack stands.
40) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
41) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 21.
42) Beer.
43) Test drive car.
44) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
45) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
-----
Total = $1350.00
Oil Changing Instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: $20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
-----
Total = $21.00
Oil Changing Instructions for Men:
1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
6) Place drain pan under engine.
7) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
8) Give up and use crescent wrench.
9) Unscrew drain plug.
10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
11) Clean up mess.
12) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
13) Look for oil filter wrench.
14) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
15) Beer.
16) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
17) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
18) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 14.
19) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
20) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
21) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
22) Remember drain plug from step 9.
23) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
24) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
25) Drink beer.
26) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
27) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
28) Drink beer.
29) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
30) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 29.
31) Begin cussing fit.
32) Throw wrench.
33) Beer.
34) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
35) Beer.
36) Beer.
37) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
38) Beer.
39) Lower car from jack stands.
40) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
41) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 21.
42) Beer.
43) Test drive car.
44) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
45) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
-----
Total = $1350.00
Top 10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Romantic stuff like mushy cards and flowers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
And the number one thing only women understand:
1. Other women!!!
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Romantic stuff like mushy cards and flowers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
And the number one thing only women understand:
1. Other women!!!
Training Courses Now Available for Men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
Don, just 'cause we need one today...
Male Language Patterns
===================
"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my
outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty,
difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates
have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no
more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational
thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance
at all of making it logical."
"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have
no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The
batteries in the remote are dead."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY
MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love,"
REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got
guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."
"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I
remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the
address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification
Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your
birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses,"
REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a
real babe, wearing a thong."
"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw
a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did
you catch me doing?"
"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue
what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake
it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling
at me."
"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer,
the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY
MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the
messes. She cleans them up."
"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS,
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
help."
Male Language Patterns
===================
"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my
outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty,
difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates
have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no
more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational
thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance
at all of making it logical."
"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have
no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The
batteries in the remote are dead."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY
MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love,"
REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got
guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."
"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I
remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the
address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification
Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your
birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses,"
REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a
real babe, wearing a thong."
"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw
a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did
you catch me doing?"
"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue
what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake
it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling
at me."
"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer,
the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY
MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the
messes. She cleans them up."
"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS,
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
help."
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
THE MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.
Cheers!
Bill
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
THE MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.
Cheers!
Bill
One more, cause I missed yesterday...
Words Women Use
(And What They Mean)
FINE (or WHATEVER)
This is the word we use at the end of any argument
that we feel we are right about but need to shut
you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks.
This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last
before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's
an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling
a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and
end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the
word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow
"Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five
Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A
"Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that
moment and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men
actually understand. She is content. Your best bet
is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that
a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that
she wants to think long and hard before paying you
retributions for what ever it is that you have
done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine"
and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go
Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has
plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty
big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman
is giving you the chance to come up with whatever
excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that
you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're
welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off
at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some
callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the
"Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
Cheers!
Bill
Words Women Use
(And What They Mean)
FINE (or WHATEVER)
This is the word we use at the end of any argument
that we feel we are right about but need to shut
you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks.
This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last
before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's
an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling
a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and
end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the
word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow
"Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five
Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A
"Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that
moment and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men
actually understand. She is content. Your best bet
is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that
a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that
she wants to think long and hard before paying you
retributions for what ever it is that you have
done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine"
and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go
Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has
plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty
big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman
is giving you the chance to come up with whatever
excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that
you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're
welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off
at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some
callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the
"Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
Cheers!
Bill
The Flower
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, John and his wife Margaret listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
John leaned over, touched Margaret's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began John's life of celibacy...
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, John and his wife Margaret listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
John leaned over, touched Margaret's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began John's life of celibacy...
Glenda, thanks for changing my name in there but it wasn't that funny at the time and I don't appreciate that you are revealing my personal life on these boards even if you do change my name... lol
Bill
Bill
Awwww Don! I didn't think men were on to those tricks! They still work around here so don't tell John!!
Glenda
Glenda
