THE DAILY QUOTE OR TWO

[shoplineca]

I thought that it might be fun to post a daily quote armed with a bit of humour. Everyone is invited to add theirs, but lets keep them (somewhat) clean.

Saturday's Quotes (based on work):
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

Malcolm

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Wednesday the 15th Daily Quotes (what was I thinking of yesterday?):

1. Life is sexually transmitted.

2. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

3. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

4. Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

5. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. Whenever I start feeling blue, I start breathing again.

8. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

9. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.

10. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Malcolm

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Thursday December 16th Quotes (or something close to a quote anyway): POINTS TO PONDER!!!!!!

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Malcolm

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Better late than never for Friday, December 17th a popouri of quotes and such:

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape .

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Malcolm

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MONDAY QUOTES (Sorry I was in Toronto on Sunday) These are more one the joke side but we can always do with a little humour:
"Old" is when...

....your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

....your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

.....the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis.

....a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

.....you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

....you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

....when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

....when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

...."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

...."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

.... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

.......Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Malcolm

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Tuesday, December 21st "POINTS TO PONDER" (The Long List):
1. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

2. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

3.If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

4.How did a fool and his money get together?

5. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

6. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

7. What's another word for thesaurus?

8. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

9. What do they use to ship styrofoam?

10. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

11. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

12. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

13. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

14. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

15. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

16. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

17. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

18. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

19. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

20. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

21. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

22. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

23. Is it possible to be totally partial?

24. What's another word for thesaurus?

25. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

26. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

27. Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

29. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

30. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

32. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

33. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

34. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

35. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

36. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

39. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Malcolm

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Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

(All of the above are courtesy of the late and great Will Rogers)

Malcolm

[barriemetals]

Here's a few.

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Or weaken you till something comes along and finishes you off.

The winner leads that is the curse of the winner.

All of us are in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars (Wilde)

[sparkklingjewels]

AND>>>>>>>>>>>
"The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother !"

[shoplineca]

Great to have some other contributors. You know that some of these would make great quotes to send to customers with our invoices.

Thursday December 23rd Quotes:

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

12. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

17. Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.

18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

21. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?

25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

30. Shin: A device for finding furniture.

31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Malcolm

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Saturday, December 25th Quotes (I know, I know! I missed yesterday):

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt ... then things get worse.

[barriemetals]

Here's a few

Life like a box o chocolates everyone wants a piece.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease... or gets thrown out.

The internet will always be slow when your looking for something than gain an impreesive ammount of speed to bring you a dozen pop-up ads in 10 seconds.

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger... or weaken you till something else comes and finishes you off. (RS)

In retrospect nobody wants someone who gives nothing but good opinons. Those are people who cannot be trusted.

A compliment is only as good as the cheque its written on.

Nobody can play a song as good as the one who wrote it.

There is no practice other than work that makes one forget that he is alive or there for that matter

The only thing more terrible than war is the benefits.

Totality is the sum of everything and the value of nothing.

Don't ever tell a story if it ends with "then I ate the whole thing"

[shoplineca]

Thank You barriemetals, I slacked off.

Here we go for the New Year:
Confucius Say...

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches backside should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who breaks wind in church sits in own pew.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Malcolm

[shoplineca]

OK so we all made some New Year's Resolutions right?
Well here are your New Year's Excuses:

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

Food use for medicinal purposes never count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie related foods, such as Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls, do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

Cooky pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

Things licked off of knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Example: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich, and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, and mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

Enjoy Yourself in 2005!

Malcolm

[shoplineca]

FRIDAY QUICKIES, These are more of a "food for thought" type than quotes:

1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. How did a fool and his money get together?

4. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

5. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

6. What's another word for thesaurus?

7. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

8. What do they use to ship styrofoam?

9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

10. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

11. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

14. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

17. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

18. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

19. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

20. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

21. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

22. Is it possible to be totally partial?

23. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

24. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

25. Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

26. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

27. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

28. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

29. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

30. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

31. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

32. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

33. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

34. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

35. Why is the word abbreviation so long?

36. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

37. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Malcolm

[shoplineca]

Sunday Quotes (forgot about Saturday):

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Malcolm

[shoplineca]

Monday Morning Blues:

I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in. Life is now official.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few...

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Malcolm

[shoplineca]

Sorry, meant to say "All reports are in, Life is officially dead"

[muminlaw]

Just picked this up off the US board:

Quotes on Life
(1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
(2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
(3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
(4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
(5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
(6) Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
(7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
(8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
(9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
(10) I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
(11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
(12) NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
(13) God must love stupid people; He made so many.
(14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
(15) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
(16) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
(17) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under
it!
(18) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
(19) Procrastinate Now!
(20) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
(21) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
(22) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance.
(23) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
(24) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already
taken
(25) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
(26) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up
three thousand times the memory.
(27) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
(28) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

[shoplineca]

Dont tell me someone on the US BOard is copying our idea to post quotes on a regular basis!

For a change from the funny, a motivational quote from the greatest salesman in the world to help us through a Tuesday of eBay sales:

How do I change?
If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labour.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will think of past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.
Today I will be the master of my emotions.

Malcolm

[muminlaw]

Actually Malcolm, someone resurrected an old thread over there but it's not only quotes - it's mostly silly jokes. Here's another batch I just picked up today:

These are from a book called Disorder in the
American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> ______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.