Updated Employee Handbook -- Effective Immediately
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy
nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in- between,
you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday
& Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, Memorial Day, July 4, Thanksgiving Day & Dec.
25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad
to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour
early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will
follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all
employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose names
begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.
If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees
may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve
this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the
toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be
taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they
can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch,
because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week,
The Management
Enjoy,
Don
