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firedept10 · ‎10-18-2003

This is a letter from the family dog!

My Dear Human,

These things have been bugging me for some time. I just needed to let you know. Maybe with understanding we can get along better.

Love you anyway,

Your Dog

1. Blaming your farts on me. Not funny ... not funny at all.
2. Yelling at me for barking. I AM A DOG!
3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?
4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose, stop it.
6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.
8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth; you're just jealous.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello, have you noticed the FUR?
10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
11. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
13. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Hope you enjoy!

Don

treasure-pot · ‎10-18-2003

Don... ROFLMAO... my dog is even LOL!

You win!

Bill

firedept10 · ‎10-19-2003

Subject: Ladies!

For Women only and Men in the equal world!

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop
in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
"fix-me-up."

Real Woman - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn
bad. Please recite with me the Real Women's Motto: "I made it and you will
eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might
still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

Real Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating
it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.

Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to
a year.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of
the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of
the cake.

Real Woman - Go to the bakery...they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.

Real Woman - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg
whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing
gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbour guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip...

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for
future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Woman - Leftover wine??

muminlaw · ‎10-19-2003

'Specially that last one!!! LOL and soooooo true!

Glenda

thebidwatcher · ‎10-19-2003

My father told my mom the other day when she was coming in the door from Loblaws with 8 bags of groceries,

"Wilma, why don't you just save us all a step and throw that stuff in the garbage right now".

Seems my mom fills a fridge and then it just sits there. Like me, she cooks with the car and the phone.

muminlaw · ‎10-19-2003

Bid, I love to cook ... and I love to eat my own cooking but .... boy do I hate to clean up the mess!! So, both being retired (lol), DH and I have come to an agreement whereby I cook, we both eat, and he cleans up! Does that sound fair or what!!!!

Still, I have to admit that there's still old "science experiments" in the fridge from when our kids lived at home -- or at least they look that old! (And one of our kids has step-grandkids!!!)

Glenda

(Don, I do have some jokes to gather up and post here soon to stay on topic ...... honest I do!!!)

Glenda

firedept10 · ‎10-21-2003

Had to post this here as well. Just incase you missed it otherwise.

We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules. Please note... all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it down.

1. Sunday=sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want...Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes & No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an arguement. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. So don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is a fruit also. We have no idea what mauve is.

1.If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is not worth the hassle.

1.If you ask a question you do not want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.

1. When we go anywhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topics such as baseball, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. Yoiu have to many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

1.Thank you for reading this; yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this on to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this on to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!!

Hope you enjoyed.

Don

deltone · ‎10-21-2003

WORDS WOMEN USE

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"FINE"

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"FIVE MINUTES"

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

"NOTHING"

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. ''Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

"GO AHEAD" (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"GO AHEAD" (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH:

This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH:

Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will
stay content.

THAT'S OKAY:

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever t is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

GO AHEAD:

At some point in the near future,
you are going to be in some
mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO:

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS:

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT:

This is much different from "Thanks."
A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you "Nothing".

firedept10 · ‎10-21-2003

Thanks deltone. Always enjoy a good chuckle.

Don

muminlaw · ‎10-21-2003

Don

that's not a good chuckle -- that's about as true as it gets!!! And pay attention to the combinations - they're important.

"1. You have too many shoes." I DO NOT!!! I don't have a pair of waterproof golf shoes and if you want me to keep you company on the golf course (and continue to beat you), I need dry feet! Yes! -- we're still golfing in BC!!

( I have to say, I'm having a hard time looking at the times of posting and seeing times 2 & 3 hours later than my BC clock says! )

Glenda

Glenda

muminlaw · ‎10-22-2003

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst.
He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a
sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old
brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's
a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the
genie, "You know how it works. You have three wishes"

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner
anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded
with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and
precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful
women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Glenda

muminlaw · ‎10-22-2003

A few general rules and observations:

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad deal or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and
family. You never know when you are going to need them
to empty your bedpan.

Glenda

firedept10 · ‎10-22-2003

Not sure if I can do this but have a laugh at this auction.

3146042998

Don

deltone · ‎10-23-2003

THAT IS JUST TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!! I was a beanie collector/seller and heck, I have way more than 1000 of the darn things.........was gonna pay my kid's university on the stupid things! LOL

That auction is very funny and I love the guy's attitude! LOL Thanks for my laugh of the week Don!!!

deb

treasure-pot · ‎10-24-2003

What your dog does while you're not home!

Bill

treasure-pot · ‎10-24-2003

Don, I'm posting this one because we are heavily outnumbered and my wife said I should.

Bill

firedept10 · ‎10-25-2003

Bill

Priceless. You brought tears to my eyes with those. What a way to wake up.

Don

treasure-pot · ‎10-31-2003

Don -

Two elderly gentlemen at a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when Al turns to Slim and says,"Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "Heck, I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really!? Like a baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."

Bill