Holiday eating tips

[valve37]

Bon appetite!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
Knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
Immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare... You cannot
Find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has
10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an
Eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have
Two. It's later than you think, and there are relatives you don't like. It's
Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
Potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
Whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
With an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your
Eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's
Food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
Time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while
Carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
Them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
Attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. Or a nice handgun. If you
Leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you
Don't like mincemeat (who does, really?), have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
Mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some
Standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
Get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips;
Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
Safely in an attractive and well preserved body,

but rather to skid in
Sideways, beer in one hand and huge steak and cheese in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what's for
Dessert?!?!"

[puckstopshere]

Cute, but you missed #11.

11.  When you think you cannot possibly eat another mouthful, go to the bathroom.  Stick a finger or two down your throat.  When you have made some more room, head back to the table and start again.

Mincemeat pie - love it.  But, you need real, homemade mincemeat - not that bottled crap they sell at the supermarket.  There is a bakery near us that makes mincemeat tarts - with mincemeat they made themselves.  The tarts are the size of a small pie - with pastry on the top as well as the sides.  A light dusting of icing sugar finishes it off nicely.  To die for (and, if I eat another, I probably will).

Fruit cake.  Again, it is all in the recipe.  My grandmother made an awesome one.  It was prepared in November.  Once made, it was liberally doused with brandy, wrapped in a cloth and stored in the pantry.  When it was served, she heated it until it was warm, added a bit more brandy and served it.  Yummy and so moist!  To me, most fruitcakes suffer from the same thing - too dry.  Grandma knew how to do it right.  (when she couldn't get brandy, she used the Pusser dark rum that her son brought home from his naval ration).

Memories!