I can't just "snap out it" quickly
I know exactly that feeling! I was there for more than two years.
I'm not saying it's the same with you, but for me, prior to that blackness I had been slowly drifting away from God. So many things had happened and instead of focussing on God and what His will was and my walk with Him, I focussed on trying to solve the problems. By the time I realized I was in the darkness, it didn't even occur to me to turn to God. I tried to suck it up and plow through it. I lost my marriage, my home, and worst of all, a baby. The list of pains and troubles is huge.
I tried everything I could think of to get myself out of the blackness. I tried ignoring it; I tried self-help books; I tried exercise, gardening, music, dabbling in eastern religion, pouring myself into my work, even a taboo love affair. (I never renounced God or Jesus, though. Somewhere inside I knew not to do that.)
I started getting headaches. Then other physical symptoms came. I went to the doctor and she was concerned. She sent me to a neurologist. They were worried about the possibility of a problem in the brain. I had MRI's, was put on all sorts of drugs... nothing worked and they could find nothing wrong. I kept telling them I was suffering, that it was stress of some sort, an emotional crisis, but they kept looking for something physical.
Still, it did not occur to me to focus on God - I wanted my problems solved. Even if I had prayed, my prayers would have been focussed on me and not Him anyway.
I became more and more physically ill. No one seemed to really understand. Finally, there came a day when I knew I was in big trouble. I called my friend and told her to come over. Then I collapsed. She found me on my living room floor and called an ambulance.
At the hospital, they found all sorts of things physically wrong with me. My body had started to shut down. One of the doctors commented "We don't know how you've been walking around like this for so long." They wanted to keep me in the hospital. I got upset and all I could think about was getting back to work. I couldn't be sick - I had to work.
They said that they thought the physical problems were triggered by a serious depression and I needed medical treatment for the physical problems, but also needed help for the depression. (Well! I had been trying to tell people that for months! Duh!) I actually managed to convince them to let me go. I went to work the next day.
By the next week, I was bed-ridden. I begged not to be hospitalized (only sick people go to hospitals and I was going to get myself out of this). My doctor and my son agreed that if I could receive care at home (from my son and my friend) that I could go home. I couldn't even get up to go to the washroom.
The physical stuff healed, but still, getting myself a cup of coffee was a major effort that exhausted me. At this point I wanted to pray, but I couldn't. I wanted to cry out to God, but I was too ashamed. I felt that I had betrayed Him. I couldn't even say His name.
Things got better, but were still not okay. (In the midst of all this, I also had someone stalking me - he broke into my house and the whole bit - he still would be happy to kill me).
For a very long time, I was still in that darkness. I got really angry with myself, really frustrated, because I couldn't "snap out of it". Even with the medical help and anti-depressants, I could not "snap out of it" or even crawl out of it! To the world, I appeared to be just fine. Inside I knew I wasn't. Again, I spoke to my doctor. I wasn't "sick enough" to get counselling and I couldn't afford to pay a private counsellor.
I began talking to my sister. We had been estranged for seven years. She found Jesus and reached out to me as a result. I didn't trust her, but could talk to her about God and her faith. I met another person - a Christian, and poured out my troubles and how I was afraid to speak to God. He encouraged me. I thought about God and knew I believed, but still could not pray.
I went "church shopping". I volunteered. Still... I believed but couldn't connect. I visited my current church for the first time. I walked in cold, and walked out bawling my eyes out (I don't cry in front of people, so this was something). I was finally able to pray. I was finally able to connect.
Did this make things all better? Nope. But suddenly I was able to cope. I focussed on Him and what He did for me. Slowly, but clearly, I started to come out of the darkness. Now I pray and praise like I never have in my whole life.
Many of you know that my troubles didn't stop, but that my prayer and praise haven't stopped, either. I don't know why God does the things He does, or why He allows certain things. It is only now that I can see that He never left me - but wow, did it ever feel like He wasn't there! I never want to know what it's like to really be without Him!
I still struggle with physical fatigue, although it's not as bad. The doc says that will probably not go away. There are times when I work 15 hours in a day and it's amazing because I really shouldn't be able to do that. I know that it is His strength, not mine. I am so weak that there's no way I could do what I do without Him. I am happy, now. Finally. My doctor is a non-believer, but she thinks that what's happened to me is pretty cool.
Lucie, I don't know where you are in your darkness, but I'm writing all of this in the hopes that it can somehow be of encouragement. Apparently, I should be dead, yet I'm more alive than I thought I could be. I'm not without troubles or challenges - far from it. It wasn't until I threw away what I wanted and even what I needed and focussed only on "God, what is your Will for me today" that I could even begin to see any light. And now I see light every day. I only need to look at Him (for who He is, and not what I want from Him). That sounds easy, but it is very very hard.
I understand your frustration with the Bible. Hang in there and find a place that you deem "safe" to ask questions. When I started reading it again, I felt fear. I felt frustration and confusion. For the first while, I found it better to stick to specific verses that were encouraging.
If you've been feeling this way for longer than six months, it might be time to visit your doctor. In my experience, the doctor didn't fix everything, but everyone is different.
You might want to try "church shopping". Perhaps you need a change. Whatever you do though, I'm pleading with you, don't isolate yourself from the Body of Christ. The first step to cutting a person down is to isolate them. Don't get isolated.
I know that we don't really know each other, but, well, I feel a very real love for you right now. I'm praying for you right from my heart.
I know you can't feel it right now but, Lucie, He loves you. I know you can't see Him, or hear Him, or feel Him right now, but He is with you. He's not leaving. Lucie, you are His sheep and He will travel to the ends of the earth for you.
